THE TRUTH ABOUT Deuteronomy 22:5
"The Woman Shall Not Wear That Which Pertaineth Unto A Man, Neither
Shall A Man Put On A Woman's Garment: For All That Do So Are
Abomination Unto The LORD Thy God." This Verse-- Deuteronomy 22:5-- Is
One Of The Most Commonly Quoted And Debated Verses In The Old
Testament.
Some Christians Have Taken This Verse To Mean That Christian Women
Shouldn't Wear Pants, Arguing That Pants Are That Which "Pertaineth
Unto A Man." Many Sincere And Honest Christians Have Grappled With
This Issue, Wanting To Be Pleasing To God. This Teaching, As With All
Teachings Regarding The Scriptures, Needs To Be Carefully Examined. It
Is Just As Much An Error To Teach Something That The Scriptures Don't
Say As It Is To Ignore What The Scripture Do Say.
The Teaching That It Is Wrong For Christian Women To Wear Pants Is
Based Upon The Following Beliefs:
1) Deut 22:5 Teaches That Women Should Not Wear That Which Pertains Unto A Man.
2) Pants Pertain To A Man Because They Were Not Only Exclusively
Invented For Men, But They Also Have Historically Been Worn Only By
Men.
3) The Bible Teaches Separation Of The Sexes And Since There Is So
Little Distinction Between Men's And Women's Pants, They Are
Essentially Unisex And Therefore Do Not Provide Adequate Separation.
The First Assertion, Which States That Deuteronomy Specifically
Forbids The Wearing Of "That Which Pertaineth Unto A Man," Deserves
Careful Study. As With The Study Of Any Scripture, It Is Important To
Read The Passage In Context And Examine The Relevant Words And Their
Meanings In The Original Text. A Reputable Bible Dictionary Or Lexicon
Can Be An Invaluable Aid.
The Phrase "That Which Pertaineth," Or Simply The Word Petaineth In
The King James Version Of The Bible, Is Translated From The Hebrew
Word Keliy, Which Means "Article, Vessel, Implement, Or Utensil," 1
Translators Commonly Render Keliy As Weapon, Armor Or Instrument In
The Old Testament. The Word Man, In Both The First And Last Part Of
Deut 22:5, Is The Hebrew Word Geber Meaning "Man, Strong Man, Or
Warrior (Emphasizing Strength Or Ability To Fight)."
2. It Is Important To Note That This Is Not The Only Word For Man In
Hebrew. Verse 13 Of This Very Same Chapter Uses The Hebrew Word "Iysh,
Which Is Also Translated Man And Means Just That- "Man, Male (In
Contrast To Woman, Female)."
3• It Is Apparent That Moses, When Writing Deut 22:5, Was Quite
Intentionally Not Talking About A Man In General, But A Very Specific
Kind Of Man- Namely, A Warrior Or Soldier. Considering This, Perhaps A
Better Translation Of This Verse Would Be As Follows:
"The Woman Shall Not Put On [The Weapons/Armor Of A Warrior], Neither
Shall A [Warrior] Put On A Woman's Garment: For All That Do So Are
Abomination Unto The LORD Thy GOD."
"As The Word... Geber Is Here Used, Which Properly Signifies A Strong
Man Or Man Of War, It Is Very Probable That Armour Is Here Intended;
Especially As We Know That In The Worship Of Venus, To Which That Of
Astarte Or Ashtaroth Among The Canaanites Bore A Striking Resemblance,
The Women Were Accustomed To To Appear In Armour Before Her."
4• John Gill In His Exposition Of The Entire Bible Sees A Similar
Meaning In 22:5:
"...And The Word [Keliy] Also Signifies Armour, As Onkelos Renders It;
And So Here Forbids Women Putting On A Military Habit And Going With
Men To War, As Was Usual With The Eastern Women; And So Maimonides
Illustrates It, By Putting A Mitre Or An Helmet On Her Head, And
Clothing Herself With A Coat Of Mail; And In Like Manner Josephus
Explains It, 'Take Heed, Especially In War, That A Woman Do Not Make
Use Of The Habit Of A Man, Or A Man That Of A Woman...' "
Rabbi Jon-Jay Tilsen Of The United Synagogue Of Conservative Judaism
Writes In An Excerpt From An Article Entitled "Cross Dressing And
Deuteronomy 22:5,"
"In Another Attempt To Identify The Quintessential 'Men's Items; Rabbi
Eliezer Ben Jacob, Quoted In The Talmud (Edited About 800 C.E.), Says,
'What Is The Proof That A Woman May Not Go Forth With Weapons To War?'
He Then Cites Our Verse [Deuteronomy 22:5], Which He Reads This Way:
'A Warrior's Gear May Not Be Put On A Woman' (B. Naz. 59a). He Reads
Kli Gever [Geber] As The Homograph Kli Gibbor, Meaning A 'Warrior's
Gear' ."
Rabbi Tilsen Further States,
"This Same Understanding Is Followed By Midrash Mishlei (Proverbs)
Which Contends That The Biblical Character Yael In The Book Of Judges
Kills General Sisera With A Tent Pin Instead Of A Sword In Order To
Comply With This Law. It Would Have Been 'Unlady-Like' For Her To Use
A Sword--- Worse, A Violation Of The Law--- Because A Sword Is A Man's
Tool..."
Considering The Sheer Specificity Of Deut 22:5 And The Precise Nature
Of Those Things That Are Forbidden, Deut 22:5 Is Most Likely
Ceremonial Law Rather Than Moral Law, Which Would Mean That It Would
Have A Little, If Any, Implications For Christians Today. Many
Believe, However, That This Verse States That Violators Of This Verse
States That Violators Of This Law Are An Abomination To God And That
Which Was An Abomination To God In The Old Testament Would Also Be An
Abomination To God In The New Testament. However, The Usage Of The
Word Abomination In Deut 22:5 Does Not Necessarily Make It A Timeless
Moral Law Because Any Violation Of God's Mandates Is An Abomination To
Him, Whether It Is A Violation Of Ceremonial Law Or Moral Law.
Furthermore, Deut 22:5 Is Placed Squarely In The Middle Of, And Is
Completely Surrounded By, Ceremonial Laws. If It Is Indeed A Principle
To Be Literally Followed Today, Why Would God Choose To Bury This
Verse In The Middle Of What Are Clearly Ceremonial Laws? The Second
Argument Against Christian Women Wearing Pants Is That Pants Have
Historically Been Worn By And Associated With Men And Are Therefore
Men's Clothing. One Problem With This View Is That It Is Not A
Consistently Applied Principle Among Those That Advocate It. Many Of
The Articles Of Clothing Have Histories Of Orginating With A Certain
SEX. Consider T-Shirts- These Too Were Invented For Men And Originally
Worn Exclusively By Men. The T-Shirt Was Introduced To America During
WWI When American Soldiers Noticed European Soldiers Wearing Them. By
WWI, The T-Shirt Became Standard Issue In The American Military And
Was Quickly Introduced Into American Fashion.
6• Not Only Were T-Shirts Orginally Invented For Men, But They Were
Invented Specifically For The Military. Considering This In Light Of
The True Meaning Of Deut 22:5, Which Seems To Be Forbidding Women From
Wearing The Habilments Of A Soldier, It Would Logically Follow That A
Woman Wearing A T-Shirt Would Be In Much Greater Violation Of This
Verse Than A Woman Wearing Pants. Furthermore, There Is No Distinction
Between Men's And Women's T-Shirts.
If Clothing History Is The Sole Determining Factor Of What Constitutes
Clothing That Pertains To A Man, Then T-Shirts Must Be Forbidden As
Well If Consistency Is To Be Maintained. It Would Seem That In
Practice, However, Those That Teach That It Is A Sin For Women To Wear
Pants Seem To Believe That Clothing Distinctions Only Apply To What Is
Worn On The Legs While Ignoring The Obvious About Other Types Of
Clothing Commonly Worn By Women. In Order For The Teaching To Be
Consistent, The Very Reasons Cited For Prohibiting Women From Wearing
Pants Would Also Prohibit Baseball Caps, Team Jerseys, Work Boots And
Other Article Of Clothing Historically Worn By Men. Taking The Concept
Even Further, What Of The Colour Pink Or Blue? Should Women Also Be
Forbidden To Wear Blue, Or Should Men Forbidden To Wear Pink, As These
Colours Have Historically Been Associated With The Opposite Sex? How
Far Should This Concept Be Taken?
Finally, The Third Argument, Which States That God Requires A
Distinction Between Men's And Women's Clothing And That Pants Provide
Little If Any Distinction, Must Also Be Weighed In Light Of The
Scriptures. The Scriptures, As With Most Matters, Provide A Wealth Of
Information On This Issue As Well.
It Is Curious How Those That Forbid Pants On Women, Based On Their
Idea Of Separation, Never Seem To Consider The Clothing Norms In The
Bible.
Even The Most Basic Study Into Biblical Clothing Norms Reveals That
There Was Very Little Distinction Between The Articles Of Clothing
Worn By Men And Women. In Genesis, We Find The First Accounts Of
Clothing Mentioned In The Bible. First, We Find That Upon Recognizing
Their Nakedness, Adam And Eve Sewed Garments Of Fig Leaves Together To
Cover Themselves (Gen 3:7). This Is An Interesting Account In That We
Find Humans Attempting To Clothe Themselves, But Obviously God Was Not
Pleased With Their Choices, As Later We Find That God Made New Clothes
For Them. Gen 3:21 Records That God Made "Coats Of Skin" For Them To
Wear. The Word Coats In This Verse Is The Hebrew Word Kethoneth And
Means "A Long Shirt-Like Garment."
7• Interestingly, Moses, Under The Inspiration Of The Holy Spirit,
Chose The Exact Same Word To Describe The Specific Type Of Clothing
That God Made For Both Adam And Eve. Where Is The Distinction Here? If
God Chose To Make So Little Distinction Between A Man's And Woman's
Clothes That A Single Word Can Describe The Specific Clothing Worn
Both By Adam And Eve, Then Who Are We To Require A Greater
Distinction? Later, Throughout The Old And New Testament, Common Dress
Consisted Of Two Separate Pieces. In The Old Testament, The First Part
Of The Jewish Costume Was Still The Kethoneth Such As Was Worn By Adam
And Eve. In The New Testament, This Garment Is Called Chiton In The
Greek And Is Often Translated As Coat In The King James Version Bible.
According To The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia, The
Kethoneth/Chiton Was,
"...A Long-Sleeved Tunic Worn Over The Sadhin, Likewise A Shirt With
Sleeves... Here The 'Coat' (Hebrew 'Kethoneth) Was The Ordinary "Inner
Garment' Worn By The Jew Of The Day, In Which He Did The Work Of The
Day (See Mt 24:18; Mk 13:16). It Resembled The Roman Tunic,
Corresponding Most Nearly To Our 'Long Shirt,' Reaching Below The
Knees Always, And In Case It Was Designed For Dress Occasions,
Reaching Almost To The Ground,"
8• Easton's Bible Dictionary States That This Basic Garment Was Worn
By Both Men And Women:
"The 'Coat' (Kethoneth), Of Wool, Cotton, Or Linen, Was Worn By Both Sexes."
Easton's Further States That,
"The Robes Of Men And Women Were Not Very Much Different In Form From
Each Other."
9• The Second Part Of The Common Jewish Costume Was The "Outer
Garment." Throughout The Old And New Testaments, The Outer Garment
Varied In Size, Shape And Purpose. It Is Given Various Names (Both In
The Original Hebrew And In Translation) And Is Used In A Variety Of
Ways. This Outer Garment Was Commonly Used To Cover The Head Of Both
Men And Women (Cf. Ruth 3:15, 2 Sam 15:30) And Was Also Commonly
Wrapped Around The Shoulders (Cf. Isa 3:22). While The Outer Garment
Served Many Purposes And Was At Times Used In Different Ways By Men
And Women, The Way It Was Used Was Not Consistent With Either Sex. The
Garment Itself Does Not Appear To Have Been Made Functionally
Different To Any Significant Degree, And The Distinctions Between The
Male And Female Outer Garments Were Merely Stylistic (i.e Colour,
Trim, Size, e.t.c).
In Light Of The Ample Information We Have On Male And Female Garments
In The Bible, It Is Hard To Justify The Radical Distinction Between
Men's And Women's Clothing Required By Christians That Forbid Women
From Wearing Pants. There Is No Evidence That Such A Radical
Distinction Existed In Biblical Times. While There Was A Difference In
Men's And Women's Clothing In The Scriptures, These Differences Were
Merely Stylistic And Not Functional Differences.
The Differences Were Only Found In Colour, Trim, Size. E.t.c. And Not
In The Actual Form Or Function Of The Clothing As Is Seen In Pants And
Skirts Or Dresses. The Differences Between Men's And Women's Pants
Today Are As Great As The Differences Between Men's And Women's
Garments In The Bible. Essentially, Christians Today That Forbid Women
From Wearing Pants Demand A Difference In Form And Function In Men's
And Women's Clothing, Whereas The Bible Only Records A Stylistic
Difference. This Amounts To Adding To God's Word And Placing
Requirements On Our Sisters In The Lord That The Bible Does Not
Support.
Many That Forbid Women To Wear Pants Argue That If It Is Acceptable
For Women To Wear Pants, Then It Should Be Acceptable For A Man To
Wear A Dress Or A Skirt. This Is A Valid Point. However, There Is No
Inherent Sin In A Man Putting On A Skirt-Like Garment, Which Is A
Common Practice In Some Cultures Around The World Just As It Was In
The Bible. The Error Would Be In The Fact That A Man Wearing A Skirt
In Modern America Society Would Be Deemed As Counter- Culture To The
Very People We, As Christians, Are Trying To Be Examples To-- Namely
Unbelievers. However, Women Wearing Pants Is Hardly Counter Culture.
While There Was Once A Time In Our Society When A Woman In Pants Would
Have Been Viewed Negatively By SOCIETY, Such Is Not The Case Today. Is
That Because Society's Morals Have Declined, And It No Longer Sees
Women In Pants As The Sin That It Is? Of Course Not, It Is Merely A
Change In Fashion. Just Because Society Had A Particular View In The
Past, Does Not Mean That Such A View Was Inherently More Moral. Ford
Once Made Only Black Cars And Refused To Make Any Other Colour. Today,
Fords Come In Every Colour Under The Sun. Was That The Result Of Some
Sort Of Moral Backsliding? No, It Is Just That Society's Tastes Have
Changed. In Renaissance Europe, Silk Hosiery Were Considered
Appropriate Attire For Men, Yet Today They Are Deemed As Feminine.
Changes In Style And Fashion Aren't Inherently Sinful And Most Of The
Time Only Reflect A Change In Taste. Women's Pants Are No Different.
Women Did Not Start Wearing Pants As A Means Of Rebelion Or To Be More
"Manly" But Because They Were More Comfortable And Functional. Fashion
Has Been Moving In The Direction Of More Function And Less Style For
Well Over A Century Now. This Is Evidenced Most Recently By The Fact
That Suits And Ties Are Much Less Common In The Workplace Now, Having
Been Replaced By Khakis And Button-Up Shirts. Does That Signal Some
Moral Decline? Absolutely Not-- It Only Reflects A Trend In Fashions
Did In Moving Toward Pants. It Is Important That We Do Not Have A
Knee-Jerk Reaction To Every Change In Fashion. Clearly, Some Are
Indicative Of Moral Decline, But Many Are Not. As With Everything,
Changes In Fashion Must Be Weighed Against Biblical Truths To Make The
Determination•
In Short, The Issue Of Clothing Must Always Be Carefully, Thoughtfully
And Honestly Studied From A Scriptural Perspective While Allowing The
Scriptures To Be The Ultimate Authority On Such Issues. A Thorough
Study Into The Clothing Norms Of The Bible Reveals That There Was No
Distinction Between Men's And Women's Clothing In The Bible Beyond
Stylistic Differences Such As Trim, Colour And Size. In Fact, God
Himself Made Clothing For Adam And Eve That Was So Similar That One
Word (Kethoneth) Could Describe The Specific Garment He Made For Each
Of Them. This Same Word Describes The Clothing Worn By Godly Men And
Women Throughout The Bible From The Old Testament To The New
Testament. Yet Today, Many Christians Demand Much More Than Even The
Bible Did By Requiring Not Only A Difference In Style But A Difference
In Function And Form As Well. If God Makes No Such Clothing Demands On
His People, Then Who Are We To Make Them? Do We Know Better Than GOD?
Inspiring Informations And Articles That Adds Value And Brings Out The Best In You.
Sunday, 24 November 2013
Sunday, 17 November 2013
IS YOUR GUT LEADING- OR MISLEADING YOU?
One's Emotions Can Be Helpful In Pointing The Way Toward Love- Or As
Unreliable As A Broken Compass Whose Needle Points In Only One
Direction. That's Because Lots Of Things Influence Ouq Feelings.
Sometimes They Are Based On Logic. Sometimes They Are Influenced By
Fear. Sometimes We Can't Pinpoint The Reason, But We Just Have A
Nagging Sense About Something Or Someone•
In Your Dating Decisions, How Much Credence Should You Give To These
Gut Feelings? There's No Ironclad Answer For Every Person And Every
Circumstance. But As You're Trying To Figure Out How To Decipher That
Small Inner Nudge, Here Are Some Important Questions To Ask Yourself:
1• ARE MY GUT INSTINCTS IN LINE WITH MY LOGIC?
If Your Intuition And YOUR Rational Thinking Are Telling You The Same
Thing, You Probably Have Nothing To Worry About. That's Because When
All The Arrows Are Pointing The Same Direction, It's Pretty Clear
Which Way To Head. But When It Comes To Love And Romance, Things Are
Usually More Complicated Than That. It Might Be That You Are Wrestling
With The Idea Of Following A Third Arrow- Which Is What You Want To
Do, Even If Your Gut And Your Brain Are Assuring You It's A Horrible
Idea. If This Is The Case, Resist The Urge To Ignore What Your
Intuition And Your Brain Are Telling You•
2• ARE MY GUT FEELINGS FEAR-BASED?
If This Turns Out To Be The Case, That Doesn't Mean They're Wrong And
You Shouldn't Follow Them. But It Might Mean You Should Take Them With
A Grain Of Salt. Dig A Little Deeper. Is Your Fear Based On Actual
Danger, Or Is It Fueled By Old Baggage You've Yet To Unpack And
Unload? Sometimes What Seems Like Your Gut Talking Can Actually Be Old
Hurts And Wounds Getting Vocal. If So, Some Healing, Therapy, Prayer,
Or Straight Talk With Yourself Might Be In Order•
3• ARE MY GUT FEELINGS CONSISTENT OVERTIME?
Sometimes We Put Emotions On The Back Burner. Our Intuition Is Talking
To Us, But There's No Immediate Danger Or Need For A Quick Decision,
So We Give Things Time To See If Future Events Confirm Or Recalibrate
Our Instincts. But If That Nagging Small Voice Has Been Consistently
Giving The Same Warning For A While Now, It's Wise You Take Heed•
4• ARE MY GUT FEELINGS SAYING THE SAME THING AS CLOSE FRIENDS AND
FAMILY WHO KNOW ME WELL, AND WHOSE OPINION I RESPECT?
If So, It Adds Credence To The Intuition You May Be Trying To Dismiss.
Pay Close Attention When Your Intuition And People You Trust Are
Speaking In Unison•
5• AM I IN DENIAL?
It's Easy To Develop Blind Spots When Our Emotions Are Focused On The
Possibility Of Lasting Love. Still, Most Of Us Know The Stubborn Truth
Down Deep, Though We May Be Unwilling To Admit It To Ourselves Or
Anyone Else. Ask Yourself Honestly If You're Fighting Your Intuition,
Even If Somewhere Inside You Know It's Spot On•
6• WHAT KIND OF TRACK RECORD DO MY GUT FEELINGS HAVE?
Flip Through The Pages Of Your Memory And Consider The Times Your
Intuition Has Kicked In. Did You Follow Your Feelings Too Quickly And
Later Regret Your Haste? Or Did You Ignore Your Intuition And Wish You
Had Listened Instead? The Past Won't Necessarily Tell You Exactly What
You Should Do This Time Around, But It Will Indictate If Your
Intuition Is Typically Reliable.
Sometimes Circumstances Disprove Our Initial Gut Feelings. Sometimes
We Need Time To Admit To Ourselves That Our Intuition Was Right All
Along. But By Asking Ourselves Questions Like These, We Can Often
Hasten The Process Of Figuring Out Whether Our Gut Is Just Chattering
Or Providing Wise Counsel•
Unreliable As A Broken Compass Whose Needle Points In Only One
Direction. That's Because Lots Of Things Influence Ouq Feelings.
Sometimes They Are Based On Logic. Sometimes They Are Influenced By
Fear. Sometimes We Can't Pinpoint The Reason, But We Just Have A
Nagging Sense About Something Or Someone•
In Your Dating Decisions, How Much Credence Should You Give To These
Gut Feelings? There's No Ironclad Answer For Every Person And Every
Circumstance. But As You're Trying To Figure Out How To Decipher That
Small Inner Nudge, Here Are Some Important Questions To Ask Yourself:
1• ARE MY GUT INSTINCTS IN LINE WITH MY LOGIC?
If Your Intuition And YOUR Rational Thinking Are Telling You The Same
Thing, You Probably Have Nothing To Worry About. That's Because When
All The Arrows Are Pointing The Same Direction, It's Pretty Clear
Which Way To Head. But When It Comes To Love And Romance, Things Are
Usually More Complicated Than That. It Might Be That You Are Wrestling
With The Idea Of Following A Third Arrow- Which Is What You Want To
Do, Even If Your Gut And Your Brain Are Assuring You It's A Horrible
Idea. If This Is The Case, Resist The Urge To Ignore What Your
Intuition And Your Brain Are Telling You•
2• ARE MY GUT FEELINGS FEAR-BASED?
If This Turns Out To Be The Case, That Doesn't Mean They're Wrong And
You Shouldn't Follow Them. But It Might Mean You Should Take Them With
A Grain Of Salt. Dig A Little Deeper. Is Your Fear Based On Actual
Danger, Or Is It Fueled By Old Baggage You've Yet To Unpack And
Unload? Sometimes What Seems Like Your Gut Talking Can Actually Be Old
Hurts And Wounds Getting Vocal. If So, Some Healing, Therapy, Prayer,
Or Straight Talk With Yourself Might Be In Order•
3• ARE MY GUT FEELINGS CONSISTENT OVERTIME?
Sometimes We Put Emotions On The Back Burner. Our Intuition Is Talking
To Us, But There's No Immediate Danger Or Need For A Quick Decision,
So We Give Things Time To See If Future Events Confirm Or Recalibrate
Our Instincts. But If That Nagging Small Voice Has Been Consistently
Giving The Same Warning For A While Now, It's Wise You Take Heed•
4• ARE MY GUT FEELINGS SAYING THE SAME THING AS CLOSE FRIENDS AND
FAMILY WHO KNOW ME WELL, AND WHOSE OPINION I RESPECT?
If So, It Adds Credence To The Intuition You May Be Trying To Dismiss.
Pay Close Attention When Your Intuition And People You Trust Are
Speaking In Unison•
5• AM I IN DENIAL?
It's Easy To Develop Blind Spots When Our Emotions Are Focused On The
Possibility Of Lasting Love. Still, Most Of Us Know The Stubborn Truth
Down Deep, Though We May Be Unwilling To Admit It To Ourselves Or
Anyone Else. Ask Yourself Honestly If You're Fighting Your Intuition,
Even If Somewhere Inside You Know It's Spot On•
6• WHAT KIND OF TRACK RECORD DO MY GUT FEELINGS HAVE?
Flip Through The Pages Of Your Memory And Consider The Times Your
Intuition Has Kicked In. Did You Follow Your Feelings Too Quickly And
Later Regret Your Haste? Or Did You Ignore Your Intuition And Wish You
Had Listened Instead? The Past Won't Necessarily Tell You Exactly What
You Should Do This Time Around, But It Will Indictate If Your
Intuition Is Typically Reliable.
Sometimes Circumstances Disprove Our Initial Gut Feelings. Sometimes
We Need Time To Admit To Ourselves That Our Intuition Was Right All
Along. But By Asking Ourselves Questions Like These, We Can Often
Hasten The Process Of Figuring Out Whether Our Gut Is Just Chattering
Or Providing Wise Counsel•
Friday, 15 November 2013
GETTING TO KNOW A MAN YOU MET ONLINE
One Of The Most Common Questions I Get Asked About Online Dating Is
What To Do To Get To Know And Attract A Man Through The Things You Say
In E-Mails Or Phone Calls In Order To Create Interest Before You Meet
In Person.
Ok, Let's Say You "Meet" A Man Online And Start To Correspond With Him
On A Daily Basis. He's Intelligent, Charming, Attractive And Has A Lot
Going For Him In General. You Have Fun Communicating With Him And
Make Sure To Do And Say Things That Would Help Determine If He's The
Right Guy And Capture His Attention If He Is.
But Then It Happens...
Out Of The Blue He Stops Writing Or Calling And You're Left Feeling
Confused And Disappointed Because Out Of All Your Matches, This Guy
Was The One You Were Most Excited About Meeting. This Is Never A Fun
Feeling. How Can You Get To Know The Right Man Online And Do It In A
Way That Increases The Chances You'll Keep Him Attracted From The
First "Hello" All The Way Through A First Date... And Beyond?
GET CLEAR ON WHAT ONLINE DATING IS FOR:
First Of All, I Want To Make A Distinction About What I Believe Online
Dating Is. Online Dating Is A Great Way To Get Introduced And To
Qualify Men Who Share Your Interests And Values, For The Purpose Of
Seeing If There Is Spark Enough There To Meet In Person.
A Few E-Mails, Phone Calls, And Text Messages Are A Kind Of Virtual
"Flirting." There Is No Real Relationship Yet In The Man's Mind.
Therefore, If You've Been Talking To A Man Online For A Little While
(Weeks Or Months) And He Suddenly Stops Writing Or Takes Longer To
Write You Back, Don't Take It Too Personally.
The Key Here Is Not To Overanalyze Why. There Is No Rhyme Or Reason
For Why A Man Will Do This, And Trying To Figure It Out Will Not Only
Drive You Crazy, But You'll Inadvertently Give Off A "Vibe" That Won't
Help You. As Disappointing As It May Feel, It's Best To Just Move On.
My Quick Tip Is To Qualify With A Phone Conversation First, Then Meet
A Guy For A Low-Pressure Or Fun "Get To Know Each Other" Event. This
Can And Will Save You Time, Energy And Confusion.
But There's More To It Than Just This....
THE DANGER OF THE "INSTANT CONNECTION"
When You Start Talking To A Man Online It's Easy To Get Addicted To
The Feeling Of Emotional Connection When You "Click" With Him And
You're Both Sharing Personal, Intimate Things About Yourselves With
Each Other.
For Some Women, Talking To A Man Online Can Be The Only Recent
Experience Of Dating Someone Their Own Age And Feeling Comfortable
With It. Becareful Here. Don't Make The Mistake Of Thinking That You
Ability To Share And Connect Will Translate Well When You Meet In
Person. He May Not Act Or Talk The Same Way That He Writes. You May
Not Feel As Comfortable With Him In Person As You Do Online, Or Feel
The Same Chemistry.
HOW TO STAND OUT AND BE UNIQUELY ATTRACTIVE:
When You're Moving Through The Steps Of Getting To Know A Man Online,
You Want To Communicate That You're Having Fun And Enjoying Yourself,
Without Pushing Toward The Next Step. If A Man Is Interested, He'll Be
Asking For Your Number Or Working Toward Setting Up A First Date.
You Want To Avoid Asking Him If He's Open To Having A Relationship
With You (He Isn't Thinking That Yet), Or Trying To Get Him To Approve
Of The Way You Look Or The Type Of Woman That You Are.
One Of The Most Common And Unattractive Things That Men Experience
Over And Over Online And In Their Dating Life Are Women Who Are
Constantly Seeking Approval Or Jumping Into "Relationship Mode" Too
Quickly. If You Want To Be Uniquely Attractive, It's Important To
Avoid Doing Thisඅ
What To Do To Get To Know And Attract A Man Through The Things You Say
In E-Mails Or Phone Calls In Order To Create Interest Before You Meet
In Person.
Ok, Let's Say You "Meet" A Man Online And Start To Correspond With Him
On A Daily Basis. He's Intelligent, Charming, Attractive And Has A Lot
Going For Him In General. You Have Fun Communicating With Him And
Make Sure To Do And Say Things That Would Help Determine If He's The
Right Guy And Capture His Attention If He Is.
But Then It Happens...
Out Of The Blue He Stops Writing Or Calling And You're Left Feeling
Confused And Disappointed Because Out Of All Your Matches, This Guy
Was The One You Were Most Excited About Meeting. This Is Never A Fun
Feeling. How Can You Get To Know The Right Man Online And Do It In A
Way That Increases The Chances You'll Keep Him Attracted From The
First "Hello" All The Way Through A First Date... And Beyond?
GET CLEAR ON WHAT ONLINE DATING IS FOR:
First Of All, I Want To Make A Distinction About What I Believe Online
Dating Is. Online Dating Is A Great Way To Get Introduced And To
Qualify Men Who Share Your Interests And Values, For The Purpose Of
Seeing If There Is Spark Enough There To Meet In Person.
A Few E-Mails, Phone Calls, And Text Messages Are A Kind Of Virtual
"Flirting." There Is No Real Relationship Yet In The Man's Mind.
Therefore, If You've Been Talking To A Man Online For A Little While
(Weeks Or Months) And He Suddenly Stops Writing Or Takes Longer To
Write You Back, Don't Take It Too Personally.
The Key Here Is Not To Overanalyze Why. There Is No Rhyme Or Reason
For Why A Man Will Do This, And Trying To Figure It Out Will Not Only
Drive You Crazy, But You'll Inadvertently Give Off A "Vibe" That Won't
Help You. As Disappointing As It May Feel, It's Best To Just Move On.
My Quick Tip Is To Qualify With A Phone Conversation First, Then Meet
A Guy For A Low-Pressure Or Fun "Get To Know Each Other" Event. This
Can And Will Save You Time, Energy And Confusion.
But There's More To It Than Just This....
THE DANGER OF THE "INSTANT CONNECTION"
When You Start Talking To A Man Online It's Easy To Get Addicted To
The Feeling Of Emotional Connection When You "Click" With Him And
You're Both Sharing Personal, Intimate Things About Yourselves With
Each Other.
For Some Women, Talking To A Man Online Can Be The Only Recent
Experience Of Dating Someone Their Own Age And Feeling Comfortable
With It. Becareful Here. Don't Make The Mistake Of Thinking That You
Ability To Share And Connect Will Translate Well When You Meet In
Person. He May Not Act Or Talk The Same Way That He Writes. You May
Not Feel As Comfortable With Him In Person As You Do Online, Or Feel
The Same Chemistry.
HOW TO STAND OUT AND BE UNIQUELY ATTRACTIVE:
When You're Moving Through The Steps Of Getting To Know A Man Online,
You Want To Communicate That You're Having Fun And Enjoying Yourself,
Without Pushing Toward The Next Step. If A Man Is Interested, He'll Be
Asking For Your Number Or Working Toward Setting Up A First Date.
You Want To Avoid Asking Him If He's Open To Having A Relationship
With You (He Isn't Thinking That Yet), Or Trying To Get Him To Approve
Of The Way You Look Or The Type Of Woman That You Are.
One Of The Most Common And Unattractive Things That Men Experience
Over And Over Online And In Their Dating Life Are Women Who Are
Constantly Seeking Approval Or Jumping Into "Relationship Mode" Too
Quickly. If You Want To Be Uniquely Attractive, It's Important To
Avoid Doing Thisඅ
Monday, 4 November 2013
ARE YOU SETTLING?
If You Find Yourself Focusing On What's Missing In Your Relationship,
Struggle Constantly With Wishing Your Partner Were Different, And Feel
Pressured To Change Who You Are Because It Makes Things Run Smoothly,
You Could Be Settling For A Partner Who Is, Simply Put, Not A Great
Match For You. In Healthy, Happy And Lasting Relationships There Are
Significant Similarities That Both Partners Share, And Without
Aligning Relatively Well In These Areas, Most Relationships Are Headed
For Undue Hardship And Unhappiness•
The Key To Dating Well Is To Know Yourself And Your Partner Deeply
Enough To Be Able To Accurately Observe The Ways That You Interact
From The Beginning Stages Of The Relationship's Development. The
Feeling Of New Love Is Like Nothing Else, But If You Are Completely
Swept Away In Emotion To The Point That You Are Ignoring Obvious
Incompatibilities, You Might Find That Months And Maybe Even Years
Down The Road That You Feel "CHEATED" In Your Relationship. By
Ignoring The Following Seven Similarities You Could Be Missing Out On
A Much More Satisfying And Happy Relationship•
1අ SPIRITUAL HARMONY:
Although Not Always Referring To Religious Affiliation, Spiritual
Harmony Refers To A Shared Perception Of God Or A Higher Power As Well
As How Much Weight Spiritual Belief Weighs In On Your Life. It Is
About The Relationship Of Spirituality In Your Life. If You Are
Religious Or Very Spiritual And Your Partner Has A Very Low Level,
There May Be Problems, Especially If Marriage And Children Follow•
2අ DESIRE FOR VERBAL INTIMACY AND ABILITY TO BE INTIMATE:
Intimacy Is What Romantic Relationships Are All About-Emotional
Intimacy, Mental Intimacy, Physical Intimacy, And For Many Spiritual
Intimacy. A Committed, Monogamous Relationship Is A Special Union In
Which You Can Share The Most Intimate Sides Of Yourself And So Can
Your Partner With You. As Part Of Sharing This Intimacy, There Are
Three Key Factors: The Ability To Express, And The Ability To Listen
Well. Beyond Those Skills, Both Partners Must Have Mutual Desire To
Get To Know The Other On All Of These Levels. LOVE Is A Total Package,
And One That Must Be Wanted Equally By Both Parties•
3අ ENERGY LEVEL:
The Energy Level Of A Person May Sound Like Something Simple, But It
Can Affect Many Things About A Person, Including Other Key
Similarities Partners Should Share Such As Ambition Level, Interests
And Personal Habits. If The Disposition Of Your Partner Is More
Low-Key And Your Disposition Is All About High Energy Wave Making, You
CaN Be Sure That There Will Be Future Problems To Contend With-You'll
Want To Go, Go, Go, And Your Partner Will Feel Pressured And May Even
Pressure You To Slow Down, Down, Down•
4අ AMBITION LEVEL:
Differences In Ambition Levels Can Wreak Havoc In Relationships
Because Work And Achievement Is Such A Large Part Of Our Culture, And
Work In Most Cases Is Necessary For Survival. Those Who Are Highly
Goal-Driven Will Have A Hard Time Understanding Why Their Partner
Seems To Be "Aimless" Or Is Not Interested In Accomplishing Anything,
When To Their Partner, They May Seem Like They Never Take Time To Stop
And Simply Enjoy Life For What It Is. And Yet, Life For What It Is To
The Ambitious Is Work And Achievement. Therefore, Ambition Level Is
Best When Relatively Similar•
5අ ROLE EXPECTATION:
Not Just About Traditional Roles Of Who Stays Home And Who Works, Role
Expectations Can Involve Everything From Who Does Particular Household
Tasks Such As Shopping And Taking Out The Trash To Who Pays On A Date
To How A Person Should Dress. Role Expectations Should Be Similar And
Compatible. It Is Not So Important What The Roles Chosen Are, But That
Both PartnerS Enjoy And Are Happy With Mutual Expectations That
Partners Have For Each Other•
6අ INTERESTS:
Relationships Are Built On Love, Attraction, Compatibility And A
History Of Shared Experiences. Interests Help To Create Those Shared
Experiences That Become Memories Of Happy Moments Spent Together.
Looking Back, Participating In Particular Interests Becomes Evidence
Of The Good Times And Love That You Have Shared. While All Interests
Do Not Have To Be The Same, And Partners Can Introduce Really
Enjoyable Independent Interests, The Major Ones Should Be Relatively
Similar. If Your Idea Of A Saturday Involves A Beach Chair And A Great
New Bestselling Book, But Your Partner Is More Into Hiking, Biking And
Rock Climbing On His Days Off, Or Your Partner's Idea Of Riveting
Entertainment Is Rental Movies And Take Out On A Saturday Night But
You're Already Dressed And Ready To Go Out To Paint The Town Red, You
May Want To Reconsider Whether Your Interest Aligns Enough For A
Long-Term Relationship•
7අ PERSONAL HABITS:
Personal Habit Are Often Overlooked During The "Honeymoon Stage" Of
Any Relationship. In Fact, Even Some Of The Most Off-Putting Habits
Later Declared As Near-Deal-Breakers Are Even Regarded As "CUTE" Or
Endearing. Whether Or Not Your Partner Is On Time Or Runs Chronically
Late, Is Clean Or Messy, Is Responsible Financially Or Plays Things
More "Loose"- All These Personal Habits Come Into Play. Additionally,
Habits Like Weight Management Or Fitness Activity Level Are Equally
Important. There May Be Other Personal Habits That Particularly
Resonate With You As Being Unacceptable-Make Sure You Watch Out For
Them Agree To Come To Terms With Them; Most Times Habits Are Hard To
Break And Even Harder When They're Not Likely To CHANGE•
Struggle Constantly With Wishing Your Partner Were Different, And Feel
Pressured To Change Who You Are Because It Makes Things Run Smoothly,
You Could Be Settling For A Partner Who Is, Simply Put, Not A Great
Match For You. In Healthy, Happy And Lasting Relationships There Are
Significant Similarities That Both Partners Share, And Without
Aligning Relatively Well In These Areas, Most Relationships Are Headed
For Undue Hardship And Unhappiness•
The Key To Dating Well Is To Know Yourself And Your Partner Deeply
Enough To Be Able To Accurately Observe The Ways That You Interact
From The Beginning Stages Of The Relationship's Development. The
Feeling Of New Love Is Like Nothing Else, But If You Are Completely
Swept Away In Emotion To The Point That You Are Ignoring Obvious
Incompatibilities, You Might Find That Months And Maybe Even Years
Down The Road That You Feel "CHEATED" In Your Relationship. By
Ignoring The Following Seven Similarities You Could Be Missing Out On
A Much More Satisfying And Happy Relationship•
1අ SPIRITUAL HARMONY:
Although Not Always Referring To Religious Affiliation, Spiritual
Harmony Refers To A Shared Perception Of God Or A Higher Power As Well
As How Much Weight Spiritual Belief Weighs In On Your Life. It Is
About The Relationship Of Spirituality In Your Life. If You Are
Religious Or Very Spiritual And Your Partner Has A Very Low Level,
There May Be Problems, Especially If Marriage And Children Follow•
2අ DESIRE FOR VERBAL INTIMACY AND ABILITY TO BE INTIMATE:
Intimacy Is What Romantic Relationships Are All About-Emotional
Intimacy, Mental Intimacy, Physical Intimacy, And For Many Spiritual
Intimacy. A Committed, Monogamous Relationship Is A Special Union In
Which You Can Share The Most Intimate Sides Of Yourself And So Can
Your Partner With You. As Part Of Sharing This Intimacy, There Are
Three Key Factors: The Ability To Express, And The Ability To Listen
Well. Beyond Those Skills, Both Partners Must Have Mutual Desire To
Get To Know The Other On All Of These Levels. LOVE Is A Total Package,
And One That Must Be Wanted Equally By Both Parties•
3අ ENERGY LEVEL:
The Energy Level Of A Person May Sound Like Something Simple, But It
Can Affect Many Things About A Person, Including Other Key
Similarities Partners Should Share Such As Ambition Level, Interests
And Personal Habits. If The Disposition Of Your Partner Is More
Low-Key And Your Disposition Is All About High Energy Wave Making, You
CaN Be Sure That There Will Be Future Problems To Contend With-You'll
Want To Go, Go, Go, And Your Partner Will Feel Pressured And May Even
Pressure You To Slow Down, Down, Down•
4අ AMBITION LEVEL:
Differences In Ambition Levels Can Wreak Havoc In Relationships
Because Work And Achievement Is Such A Large Part Of Our Culture, And
Work In Most Cases Is Necessary For Survival. Those Who Are Highly
Goal-Driven Will Have A Hard Time Understanding Why Their Partner
Seems To Be "Aimless" Or Is Not Interested In Accomplishing Anything,
When To Their Partner, They May Seem Like They Never Take Time To Stop
And Simply Enjoy Life For What It Is. And Yet, Life For What It Is To
The Ambitious Is Work And Achievement. Therefore, Ambition Level Is
Best When Relatively Similar•
5අ ROLE EXPECTATION:
Not Just About Traditional Roles Of Who Stays Home And Who Works, Role
Expectations Can Involve Everything From Who Does Particular Household
Tasks Such As Shopping And Taking Out The Trash To Who Pays On A Date
To How A Person Should Dress. Role Expectations Should Be Similar And
Compatible. It Is Not So Important What The Roles Chosen Are, But That
Both PartnerS Enjoy And Are Happy With Mutual Expectations That
Partners Have For Each Other•
6අ INTERESTS:
Relationships Are Built On Love, Attraction, Compatibility And A
History Of Shared Experiences. Interests Help To Create Those Shared
Experiences That Become Memories Of Happy Moments Spent Together.
Looking Back, Participating In Particular Interests Becomes Evidence
Of The Good Times And Love That You Have Shared. While All Interests
Do Not Have To Be The Same, And Partners Can Introduce Really
Enjoyable Independent Interests, The Major Ones Should Be Relatively
Similar. If Your Idea Of A Saturday Involves A Beach Chair And A Great
New Bestselling Book, But Your Partner Is More Into Hiking, Biking And
Rock Climbing On His Days Off, Or Your Partner's Idea Of Riveting
Entertainment Is Rental Movies And Take Out On A Saturday Night But
You're Already Dressed And Ready To Go Out To Paint The Town Red, You
May Want To Reconsider Whether Your Interest Aligns Enough For A
Long-Term Relationship•
7අ PERSONAL HABITS:
Personal Habit Are Often Overlooked During The "Honeymoon Stage" Of
Any Relationship. In Fact, Even Some Of The Most Off-Putting Habits
Later Declared As Near-Deal-Breakers Are Even Regarded As "CUTE" Or
Endearing. Whether Or Not Your Partner Is On Time Or Runs Chronically
Late, Is Clean Or Messy, Is Responsible Financially Or Plays Things
More "Loose"- All These Personal Habits Come Into Play. Additionally,
Habits Like Weight Management Or Fitness Activity Level Are Equally
Important. There May Be Other Personal Habits That Particularly
Resonate With You As Being Unacceptable-Make Sure You Watch Out For
Them Agree To Come To Terms With Them; Most Times Habits Are Hard To
Break And Even Harder When They're Not Likely To CHANGE•
Tuesday, 29 October 2013
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR?
<@>Greatmindz<@>™
So The Last Guy You Dated Turned Out To Be A Self-Centered Jerk Who
Ended Up Cheating On You While You Were Making Plans To Move In With
Him As A Prelude To Marriage. This Time You Are Not Going To Settle
For Less, And The Good News Is That The Guy You Just Started Dating
Has Everything You're Looking For:
1• Nice Guy. Check.
2• Well Built. Check.
3• Intelligent. Check.
4• Successful. Check.
5• Good Looking. Check.
6• Age Appropriate. Check.
7• Religiously Compatible. Check.
8• Wants To Get Married And Have Kids. Check.
After A Three-Week Courtship, He Even Asks You To Be His Girlfriend
And Says He Wants To Have A Committed And Monogamous Relationship With
You. Fantastic! You Say Yes Amid High Hopes That He Could Be The One
You've Been Looking For, The One With Whom You Can Finally Settle
Down.
And There You Are The Following Weekend, Sitting Next To Him On His
Couch The Entire Day Watching Football With His Friends Before Going
Out On The Boat To Be Surrounded By A Large Group Of People.
Yawn.
What Happened?
What Happened Is That You Were So Eager To Find Someone- And SO
Focused On The External Checlist- That You Forgot Some Important
Items:
1• Emotionally Available.
2• Wants To Spend Time Alone With You.
3• Enjoys One-On-One Conversations.
The First Item Is A Reccuring Theme In All My Columns And I Could
Write A Whole Book About It (Actually, I Did). But The Last Two Are
Just As Important And Not As Obvious. And All Three Of Them Boil Down
To Whether This IS A Person Who Even Knows How To Have A Deeper
Relationship.
You Might Ask Yourself The Same Questions. Are You Emotionally
Available? Do You Want To Spend Time Alone With Your Partner? Are You
Comfortable With One-On-One Conversation?
Bottom Line Is That You Need To Be Careful What You Wish For.
Put Another Way, Make Sure You're Precise Enough When You Put Your
Order In With The Universe. Because The Universe Is Very Literal And
Has A Very Ironic Sense Of Humour.
You May Just Get All The Qualities You Asked For. And None Of The Ones
You Didn't.
Have You Thought About What's Most Important To You In A Partner?
So The Last Guy You Dated Turned Out To Be A Self-Centered Jerk Who
Ended Up Cheating On You While You Were Making Plans To Move In With
Him As A Prelude To Marriage. This Time You Are Not Going To Settle
For Less, And The Good News Is That The Guy You Just Started Dating
Has Everything You're Looking For:
1• Nice Guy. Check.
2• Well Built. Check.
3• Intelligent. Check.
4• Successful. Check.
5• Good Looking. Check.
6• Age Appropriate. Check.
7• Religiously Compatible. Check.
8• Wants To Get Married And Have Kids. Check.
After A Three-Week Courtship, He Even Asks You To Be His Girlfriend
And Says He Wants To Have A Committed And Monogamous Relationship With
You. Fantastic! You Say Yes Amid High Hopes That He Could Be The One
You've Been Looking For, The One With Whom You Can Finally Settle
Down.
And There You Are The Following Weekend, Sitting Next To Him On His
Couch The Entire Day Watching Football With His Friends Before Going
Out On The Boat To Be Surrounded By A Large Group Of People.
Yawn.
What Happened?
What Happened Is That You Were So Eager To Find Someone- And SO
Focused On The External Checlist- That You Forgot Some Important
Items:
1• Emotionally Available.
2• Wants To Spend Time Alone With You.
3• Enjoys One-On-One Conversations.
The First Item Is A Reccuring Theme In All My Columns And I Could
Write A Whole Book About It (Actually, I Did). But The Last Two Are
Just As Important And Not As Obvious. And All Three Of Them Boil Down
To Whether This IS A Person Who Even Knows How To Have A Deeper
Relationship.
You Might Ask Yourself The Same Questions. Are You Emotionally
Available? Do You Want To Spend Time Alone With Your Partner? Are You
Comfortable With One-On-One Conversation?
Bottom Line Is That You Need To Be Careful What You Wish For.
Put Another Way, Make Sure You're Precise Enough When You Put Your
Order In With The Universe. Because The Universe Is Very Literal And
Has A Very Ironic Sense Of Humour.
You May Just Get All The Qualities You Asked For. And None Of The Ones
You Didn't.
Have You Thought About What's Most Important To You In A Partner?
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