I Spoke With Someone The Other Day Who Was Gushing About How Serious
She Is Getting With Her Boyfriend. She Thinks He Is "The One!" She
Pulled Out Her iphone To Show Me A Photo Of Him. Then, Instead Of
Showing Me A Photo Of A Face, She Shoved The Phone In Front Of Me And
Demanded, "Can You Believe This? "Believe What?" I Responded. I Was
Confused. All I Saw In The Photo Was A Pair Of Shoes-Not The Handsome
Face I Expected To See!
"Do You See These Shoes? Do You Like Them? He Cannot Wear These
Shoes," She Fired Off In Rapid Succession. "These Are Shoes You Only
Wear With Skinny Jeans. He Wore Them With Regular Jeans And It's
Wrong. He Can't DO That Again."
Whoa! Slow Down! How Did We Get From He's "The One" To He Can't Wear
These" In Just One Brief Conversation? For A Brief Moment, I Thought
She Was Joking. But, She Was Dead Serious.
I Asked Her If He Treated Her Well? Yes! Was He Kind? Yes! Was He
Respectful? Yes! Did He Treat His Family And Friends Well? Yes! Did He
Care For His Community? Yes! Did He Allow Her To Be Herself? Yes!
"So," I Asked, "If He Is All That (And Presumably More), Then Why In
The World Does It Matter If He Wears Those Shoes?" "It Doesn't Matter
If He Wears Those Shoes," She Said, Exasperated, "Its Just That He Can
Only Wear Them With Skinny Jeans."
Oh Boy. She Is In For A World Of Stress (And Perhaps Even Heartbreak)
If She Is Going To Let The Kind Of Shoes He Wears Become Such An Issue
For Her. Clearly, She Is A Bit Of A Control Freak (You Think?), And
There Was An Element Of, "I Can Change Certain Things About Him, And
Then He Will Be Perfect." Both Are Dangerous Spots To Be In!
On The "Control Freak" Side... Let It Go. Pick Your Battles.
Seriously, If His Biggest Flaw Is That He Wears The Wrong ShoeS With
The Wrong Pants, Then Be Happy. Sure, You Can Gently Suggest The
"Right" Style And See If He "Gets It" It Might Even Be FUN To Take Him
Shopping For The "Right" Skinny Jeans, But Don't Let Your Blood
Pressure Shoot Through The Roof When He Wears The Wrong Combination.
Call Him Cute, Call Him Goofy, And Love Him For It! Embrace It; Don't
Fight It!
On The "I Can Change Him" Side... No, You Can't! You May Think You
Can, But Ultimately You Can't And You Will Hurt Yourself (And
Potientially Your Relationship) Trying. You Can Make Suggestions. You
Can Try To Influence. But You Can't Change Him. Only He Can Choose To
Change. Too Many People Get Into Relationships And Find Little Things
That They Would Like To Change About Their Partners. They Think, "This
Is Cute," Or "This Isn't That Big Of A Deal," And "I Can Change This,"
And They Move Forward. But, At Some Point, Cute Becomes Annoying, And
What Wasn't A Big Deal Becomes A Monster Issue, And Nobody Has
Changed, And Now Refuses To Change... And It Becomes A Deal Breaker.
I Know It's Easier Said Than Done, But Worry About Yourself, And What
You Can Control, As Opposed To Trying To Control Someone Else. Focus
On What You Would Like To Change, Or Should Change About Yourself, As
Opposed To Trying To Change Someone Else.
I Told This Woman: He Is Who He Is And He's An Entire Package. You
Either Like Him Or You Don't. You Either Accept Him As He Is, Or You
Don't. Sure, You Might Try To Tweak A Little Thing Here Or There, But
Be Sure Those Things You "Tweak" Are Relatively Inconsequential To You
In The Big Scheme Of Things. If They Make Your Blood Pressure
Skyrocket, And Become Monstrous Issues In The Relationship, It Might
Be Time To Rethink The Urge To Control And The Desire To Change•
What Do You Think? Did You Have A "Wrong Shoes/Wrong Jeans" Issue In A
Relationship? What Happened? How Did You "Fix" It?
