Perfect Analogy. What Are Apologies Like? Apologies Are A Lot Like
Weeds: Once In A While, They're Pretty, But They're Usually Just
Annoying. Similarly, If You Think About The Countless Apologies You've
Probably Heard In The Past Year Alone, You Can Only Remember One Or
Two Specifically- And Those Were Either Really Good Ones Or Really Bad
Ones.
Bottom Line On Apologies: Most Of Them Aren't Thoughtful Or Sincere.
For Most Of Us, Making A Mistake Usually Results In The Fear That We
Will Get In Trouble Or Be Punished, So We Throw Out A Quick "I'M
SORRY" To Stop A Potential Argument And Avoid Getting In Trouble.
Often Someone Issues An Obligatory Apology And Makes A Sad Face To Go
Along With It, Convinced That All The Necessary Components Of An
Apology Have Been Met. Did I Say, "I'M SORRY?" Check. Did I Look Sad?
Check. Which Brings Us To How To Offer An Apology The Right Way.
I Don't Actually Have To Say The Words, "I'm SORRY?"
It's A Total Paradox But A Good Apology Doesn't Have To Include The
Words "I'm Sorry" Or "I Apologize." The Truth Is That A Good Apology
Includes Three Components: Acknowledging The Other Person's Feelings;
Taking Ownership Of What You Did That Caused Upset; And Assuring Him
Or Her That You Won't Make The Same Mistake Again. For Specifics, I'll
Give You Some Examples Of Good And Bad- No, Atrocious- Apologies•
EXAMPLES OF GOOD APOLOGIES
"I Know You've Asked Me Not To Flirt With Other People. At The Time, I
Honestly Didn't Think I Was. Now I Realize You Were Right, And That
Wasn't Right Of Me To Do That. I Won't Do It Again." NOTE: Did You See
The Words, "I'M Sorry?" Okay, Then My Job Is Almost Done Here!
"I Have Spent The Day Trying To Understand Why You Were Upset. I
Finally Get It. I Wasn't Thinking About Your Feelings, Only My Own. If
I Ever Do That Again, Honey; I Will Deal With This Because I Care
About You." Note: This One Is Especially Good Because The Apologizer
Actually Took Time To Reflect On The Behaviour (e.g, "I Have Spent The
Day Trying To Understand Why...). In Each Of The Good Apologies, It
Feels As If The Apologizer Is Conceding, And Is No Longer In A Power
Struggle To Win Or Be Right•
BAD APOLOGIES
"I Heard You; You Keep Saying It. I'm Sorry, Okay? I Said I Won't Do
It Again." Note: I Don't Know About You, But I Don't Want To Be On The
Receiving End Of This Apology.
"Apologize To You? What About Me? You Think You're The Only One Who
Did Anything Wrong Here?" Note: Enough Said. "I Know I Shouldn't Have
Done What I Did, But You Kind Of Set Me Up For It. You Bring It Out Of
Me, And It's Hard To Control Myself When You Push Me Too Far." Note:
Turning The Tables Is Of The Most Common Tactics For Narcissists. They
Avoid Accountability At Costs And Frequently Try To Turn The Tables,
Causing The Other Person To Feel Confused And To Ultimately Back Down•
This Kind Of Apology Is Especially Toxic. If You Get This Type Of
Apology From Your Partner, You Need To Seriously Evaluate The
Relationship. Among The Bad Apologies, You'll See How They Keep The
Disconnect And Arguments Alive. Bad Apologies Are Yet Another Attempt
To Try To Show The Other Person You Were Right All Along•
WHEN IS IT TIME TO APOLOGIZE?
Because Everyone Has A Different Personality Style, Everyone Deserves
A Little Wiggle Room When It Comes To The Timing Of An Apology. The
Ideal Apology, Of Course, Involves Someone Apologizing Right Away. Yet
Some People Need A Little Time To Retreat To Their Own Corner Before
They Can Return To The Group And Play Nicely. I Crawl Out Of My Skin A
Bit Each Time Someone Flippantly Announces Their Approach To
Relationship Problems In The Following Way: "We Have A Rule Where WE
Never Go TO Bed Angry." Child, Please! If Only Life Were That Easy. If
Someone Needs An Evening Or Even A Couple Of Days To Reflect Before
Coming Back With An Apology, Its Okay. If You Are Waiting For An
Apology, Distract Yourself With An Activity That Absorbs Your Mental
Energy And Be Patient. The Apology May Come Sooner Than You Imagine,
But You Can Also Always Ask For An Apology In A Couple Of Days If You
Haven't Yet Received It. By That Time, The Two Of You Will Probably
Have A Much More Effective Conversation As A Result•
Have You Received Any Good Apologies Lately? Or Just The Toxic Kind?
