WAYS TO BETTER YOURSELF AND YOUR PARTNER

Inspiring Your Partner To "Greatness" Is Not Rocket Science. To
Paraphrase The Wisdom Of The Golden Rule: Simply Be The Partner You
Want To Have.

Here Are Six Ways To Begin:

1* SAY YES:

From The Moment In Adolescence When We Start Caring What Other Boys Or
Girls Think Of Us, The Word "Yes" Becomes A Kind Of Romantic Holy
Grail We Seek Like A Questing Knights. We Want To Hear, "YES, I'll Go
To The Dance With You. YES, We Should Hang Out. Yes, I Like You." It
Is The Clearest Sign That We Are Worth Something. Yet As We Get Older,
A Mindless Habit Of Negativity Often Sets In. Along The Way We Learn
To Resist One Another For No Apparent Reason. Who Knows Why? The Point
Is, If You Want Your Partner To Be More Affirming And Positive, Try
Going With The Flow Yourself More Often. Practice The Magical Power Of
"YES."

2* SAY NO WHEN YOU MUST... BUT LOVINGLY AND RESPECTFULLY:

Of Course, There Are Times When "YES" Is The Wrong Answer, Period.
There Is Nothing Magical About Failing To Protect Your Boundaries And
Your Autonomy. But It Is Equally Important That, When You Have Reason
To Disagree With Your Partner, You Do So In A Way That Safeguards
Their Dignity. Too Many Relationships Are Poisoned By A "NO" That Is
Unnecessarily Harsh Or Mocking. Guard Against Giving Them The Idea
That They Are Being Scolded. Respect Is Contagious, So Give It Freely
And It Will Come Back To You.

3* BE LOYAL:

Okay, That Sounds Like A Girl Scout Motto. But Too Many Women And Men
Take Any Opportunity To Trash Talk Their Partners Around Friends And
Family, Sometimes Even When They're Present. If You Have Developed
That Harmful Habit, Cut It Out. No One Enjoys Public Critism. If You
Have Something On Your Mind, Talk To Them-In Private. They Are Sure To
Notice And Reward You For It, By Giving You The Same Courtesy.

4* LOOSEN UP:

Feeling Caged By Too Little Freedom In A Relationship Will Bring Out
The Lion In Anyone. Preempt The Problem By Giving Them Plenty Of
Space. That Is Not To Say You Should Have No Expections Of Them,
Especially As The Relationship Advances. But Heavy-Handed Possessive
Is A Great Way To Put Anyone On The Defensive. When You Keep A Light
Touch, They'll Relax, And So Can You.

5* GIVE THEM A PUSH:

There Comes A Time In Nearly Every Person's Life When The Dream That
Propelled Them Forward Seems To Be Receding Further Out Of Reach.
Maybe He Or She Has Faltered. Maybe They Are Stuck In The Daily Grind
Of Life. Maybe They've Gotten Plain OL' Lazy. Then It's Time For You
To Give Them A Gentle Nudge-Or A Firm Shove-By Reminding Them Of Their
Terrific Potential. Believe The Best About Them, And Tell Them So.

6* LISTEN:

Paying Attention To What Your Partner Has To Say Is One Of The Highest
Possible Expressions Of Romantic Affection. Most Of Us Go Through The
Day Relatively Unnoticed And Unheard-by Bosses, Co-Workers, Even
Friends And Family Members. Be The Excepion In Their Life. Listen, And
Show Them You Are Deeply Interested In Who They Are And What They Case
About.

WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP STARTS TO FEEL SOUR

Falling In Love Is Amazing. The Excitement Of Meeting Someone New
Brings Out The Best In All Of Us; The Journey Ahead Feels Like An Open
Road Full Of Possibility... But Then Something Happens: Either The
Relationship Starts To Feel Stale, Or Perhaps Money Issues, Kids, Or
Trying To Figure Out A Comfortable Work-Life Balance Comes Into Play.
Whatever The Cause, The Initial Spark Dims Or Goes Out Altogether, And
The Future Becomes A Long And Winding Road, Full Of Pit Stops And Flat
Tires.
You See, We Spend A Lot Of Time And Energy Finding Our Perfect Mates.
By The Time We Say "I DO," We Assume (And Fervently Hope) That The
Work Is Over. The Idea Of Having To Spend Time Working On Your
Relationship May Seem Strange Or Even Depressing, But It's Worth It!
Even If It Feels Like Your Whole Situation Needs An Overhaul,
Deepening Your Relationship Doesn't Have To Be A Grueling Process.
With The Right Tools, The Suffering Can End.
One Of The Best Ways To Help Your Relationship Is To Ensure You're
Thinking About It The Right Way. After Working With Thousands Of
Couples- And On Our Own Marriage- We've Distilled Some Essential
Truths That Help Couples Keep Their Relationships Fresh As They
Navigate The Life-Long Experience Of Growing Real LOVE:
1• CONFLICT IS GROWTH TRYING TO HAPPEN:
Most People Believe That If You're Having Problems In Your Marriage,
You're With The Wrong Person. So, When Conflict Gets Heated, They
Wonder If It's Time To Bail... And It's Not! Rather, If You're Willing
To Work With The Conflict, There Is Something Wonderful And Amazing
Waiting For You Right Around The Corner. The Key Is Learning How To
Work With Conflict Creatively- In Ways That Help Both You And Your
Partner Grow. Plus, Just Changing Your Perspective So That You View
Conflict As An Opportunity, An Indicator That It's Time To Grow, Can
Help Ease The Troubles You're Having•
2• IT'S NOT HIM; IT'S YOU:
Ninety Percent Of The Upset You Feel With Your Partner Comes From Your
Past. It's True! So Stop Blaming Your Partner. We Know That It's Hard
To Do, Especially When You Feel Miserable And It Seems As Though The
Source Of Your Misery Is, Well, That Annoying Person You're With. But
Here's The Thing: We Fall Head Over Heels In Love With Someone Who Is
Similar To Our Parents, Which Is A Mysterious Design That Holds The
Potential For Deep, Abiding Connection- Once You Get Past All The
Squabbling. So, The Next Time You Feel Your Blood Boiling, Remind
Yourself: This Feeling Has More To Do With My Past Than My Partner!
3• A LAUGH A DAY KEEPS THE DIVORCE LAWYER AWAY:
Sometimes We're So Busy Working On Our Relationships That We Actually
Forget To Enjoy Them. And What's The Point Of Doing All Of That Work
If You're Not Having Fun With Your Partner? Using Humour And Joy Is
Critical To A Couple's Happiness. Now, This Doesn't Mean You Get To
Dust Off Your Passive-Aggressive Tendencies And Use "Humour" To Zing
Your Partner With Little Digs Or Critiques. What It Means Is That You
Go Out And Have Fun. So, Create Fun Times Together By Mixing Things Up
A Little. Try Dance Lessons, Improve, A Cooking Class.

4• WANT TO SPICE UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP? DITCH ALL NEGATIVITY!

Why Are We So Inclined To Focus On What's Bad Instead Of What's Good?
Every Relationship Contains At Least Some Negativity, And The Amount
Of Negativity In A Relationship Is Directly Proportional To The Amount
Of Trouble It's In.
Negativity Includes Any/All Words, Tone Of Voice, Facial Expressions
And/ Or Behaviour Your Partner Says Feels Negative To Him/Her. And
Yes, Rolling Eyes Counts.

You See, Negativity Is Like Rat Poison; Nothing Can Grow In It. So, If
You Want Your Relationship To Grow, You've Got To Get Rid Of All
Negativity. Yes, All Of It. We Finally Did, And Infact, Our Zero
Tolerance Policy Is The Single Most Effective Strategy We've To Create
Real Love•

These Truths Can Help You Become Better Partners For Each Other And
Create Real, Lasting And Blissful Connection•

ONE THING THAT CAN PUSH HIM AWAY FOR GOOD

Here's An Important Rule To Remember: Men Don't Fall In Love Because
Of How Much You Do For Them. And Spending A Lot Of Time Focusing On A
Man- Even If You Are Not Directly Doing Anything For Him Actually
Prevents Him From Falling IN LOVE.

WHY? Because Anytime You Spend On A Man Is Time You Are Taking Away
From You. A Man Can Only Fall In Love With You If You're In Love With
Yourself First. But If You Make Him The Center Of Your World, It Means
You're No Longer Your Top Priority. Before You Know It, You Start To
Lose Sight Of Your Goals And The Things That Are Important To You.
Without These Important Things, Your Sense Of Self Becomes Shaky, And
Your Self-Esteem Starts To Plummet•

THEN SOMETHING ELSE STARTS TO HAPPEN•••

The More You Start To Revolve Your Life Around Him, The More Invested
And Fearful You Become. You Worry That You'll Lose Him, So You Focus
Even More On Him. You Try To Look For Cues That Will Reassure You
About His Feelings For You, But They're Never Enough.

You Are Entirely In Your Head. And When This Happens, You Can't Be In
Your Heart. Which Means You Can't Connect With HIS Heart.

All This Adds Up To Creating A Very Needy, Desperate Vibe That Turns A
Man Off. If A Man Even Gets A Whiff That He's More Important To You
Than You Are To Yourself, He Loses Interest. He Starts To Feel
Responsible For Your Happiness, And It Feels Like Pressure To Him.
That's When You'll Experience Him Pulling Away.

CONNECTING WITH YOURSELF AND HIS HEART

Anytime You Put Your Focus On What A Man Thinks And Feels, You Are
Automatically Disconnecting From Yourself. And The ONLY Important
Thing, The Only Thing That Really Matters, Is How You Feel About
Yourself In His Presence.

Instead Of Asking Yourself If He Likes You, Ask Yourself If You Like
Yourself When You're With Him. How Do You Feel About Yourself When
You're With Him? Do You Feel Attractive And Happy, Or Small And
Insecure? If You're Feeling Anxious, This May Mean He's Not Right For
You. When You're With Your Mr. Right, You'll FEEL It. There's No Need
To Analyze Anything!

So, Next Time You're Inclined To Focus Your Thinking Too Much On One
Particular Man, Check In With Your Feelings About YOU. Stay Focused On
What Makes You Happy Outside Of Him. Because A Man Can Only Feel As
Comfortable With You As You Feel With Yourself. And The More
Comfortable He Feels, The Closer And Closer He'll Want To Get•

WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT

Its Been The Subject Of Movies, Books And Countless Conversations:
What Do Women Really Want? Specifically, What Do Women Want From A
Mate? We Know, Guys, That It Can Seem Impossible To Guess What Women
Are Looking For, But It's Really Not That Complicated.
Because We Are Human And We All Want Different Things, We Can't Tell
You What Every Woman Wants. But We Have A Pretty Good Clue. Check Out
These Five Things That Women Want.
1• WOMEN WANT YOU TO LISTEN UP:
In General, Women Complain That Men Don't Listen To Them. In Your
Defense, You Listened To Her The First Time As Well As The 21st Time
She Aired Her Concern, But She Continues To Mull It Over And Discuss
Some Possibilities. She Carries On About Her Overbearing And Unfair
Boss, So You Suggest Quitting Her Job•
Guys, Admit It: A Lot Of You Are "Fixers." You Listen To A Problem
For Three Minutes Before You Offer Up A Suggestion. Why? You Want Your
Girlfriend, Wife Or Friend To Be Happy, So You Provide A Solution To
The Problem•
It May Seem Contradictory, But Women Don't Necessarily Want An Answer
Or A Solution. They Actually Want You To Act As Their Sounding Board.
Instead, Listen Patiently And Let Her Work Through It, Offering Advice
When Prompted•
2• WOMEN WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY:
The Fact That Women Want To Be Taken Seriously Is Closely Linked To
Point #1. Not Only Do Women Want To Be Listened To, They Want Their
Problems, Thoughts And Feelings To Be Taken Seriously.
Before You Dismiss The Idea, Consider The Fact That Maybe Your Girl
Does Know How To Rewire The Bathroom Or How To Organize Your
Investments. Who Says That Sound Advice Can't Come In A Sweet-Smelling
Package? Defer To Her Opinions And Give Her Ideas A Whirl Sometime.
You Just May Find That Her Second Opinion Is Seriously Prudent.
3• WOMEN WANT TO BE CONSIDERED:
When You're Making Plans Amid The Poker Games, Guys' Nights Out And
Work, Women Want To Be Considered When You're Making Plans. (Wouldn't
You?) Women Don't Necessarily Need To Be THE Priority- They Just Don't
Want To Be An Afterthought. Whether You Are A Workaholic, Gamer,
Sportsman Or Couch Potato, Let Your SweetHeart In On The Action.
Sometimes It's Easy To Let Everything Else Get In The Way, But If You
Make Her Feel Important And Needed, She Will Make You And Your Needs
Just As Significant As You Make Her•

4• WOMEN WANT TO BE ADORED:

Women Love To Feel Adored. Honored As The Most Beautiful Girl In The
Room, She Wants You To Positively Love What She Is All About. So Maybe
There Are Smarter, More Attractive Or More Successful Women Out There,
But To You, She Is The Bee's Knees. Your Esteemed Ladylove Wants To
Feel That You Are Fortunate To Have Her, That You Can't Keep From
Beaming When You See Her Or Even That She Makes Your Life Better For
Being In It. Feeling Your Devotion Will Only Encourage Her To
Reciprocate And Feel Lucky Herself For Garnering Such A Good Man•

5• WOMEN WANT ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND APPRECIATION:

Women Want You To Acknowledge The Things They Do For You. They Want
More Than Just A Pat On The Back: They Want To Be Appreciated For
Their Efforts. No Matter What Her Role In Your Life, Whether It's
Making Plans, Fixing Up The House Or Booking Dream Vacations, She
Wants You To Be HAPPY.

Try To Meet Her Halfway With Proactive Measures Or At Least Offer Some
Sort Of Recognition Or Acknowledgment. A Little Goes A Long Way With
Your Female Counterpart, So Take Notice And Compliment Her On Her
Attention To Detail•

COULD NAGGING ACTUALLY BE WORSE THAN CHEATING?

Is Nagging Really So Bad? After all, Most Of Us Seem To Think Of
Nagging As Annoying, But Pretty Benign And Harmless. And Some Of Us
Feel Like We'll Never Get What We Want Unless We Ask For It In 50
Million Ways. Yet Almost A Year Ago, A Wall Street Journal Columnist,
Elizabeth Bernstein, Made The Provocative Claim That Nagging Is A
"Marriage Killer... More Common Than Adultery And Potentially As
Toxic."
A Little Science Supports That Provocative Claim. Howard J. Markman,
Professor Of Psychology At The University Of Denver And The
Co-Director Of The Center For Marital And Family Studies, Spent 30
Years Studying Conflict Patterns And Divorce. His Team Found That
Negative Conflict Patterns, Consistent With Nagging, Attack Love And
Jack Up The Risk Of Unhappiness And Potential Divorce. Markman Knows
Something We All Know: Nagging Is Common. And Therein Lies Its
Inherent Danger. Your Relationship Is Like A House In A Falling Rock
Zone: Nagging Frequently Causes Rocks To Roll Onto Your House And Chip
Away Love, While Cheating Triggers An Avalanche. You Stay On The
Lookout For Avalanches, But May Be Unaware Of The Long-Term Damage
Done By The Frequent Falling Rock•
So While Nagging May Actually Not Be Worse For Our Marriages Than
Cheating (Falling Rocks Versus Avalanche), Maybe We Need To Recognize
It As A Genuine Detriment To Relationships. I Can Think Of Three
Important Ways That Persistent Nagging Can Erode A Relationship's
Foundation•
FIRST UP: COMMUNICATION•
Let's Explore A Scenario: The Nagger Gets Really Nervous Whenever
Nagged One Drives On Long Vacations. He's More Aggressive Behind The
Wheel And That Triggers Her Anxiety. So She Reminds Him Of The Speed
Limit Every Five Minutes, And Uses Hand And Foot Signals To Encourage
Him To Slow Down. With Each Hour, Nagger's Voice, Hand, And Foot
Signals Become More Emphatic, And Nagged One Becomes Less Attentive Or
Maybe Explodes In Irritation. Neither Spouse Feels Understood, And
Most Likely Neither Understands The Other. Nagging Hijacks Empathic
Communication•

SECOND UP: CONNECTION•

When Was The Last Time You Wanted To Cuddle Up With Your Spouse After
Being Nagged- Or After Nagging? Usually The More One Nags, The Faster
And Farther The Other Runs... Literally Or Figuratively. If You Nag
Your Wife About Something On The Way To A Nice Restaurant, An Evening
Out May Lose Its Sparkle Before Drinks Are Served. If The Two Of You
Are Trapped In A Nagging Cycle, You May Confuse Your Struggle
(Nagging) With Your Identities (Two People Who Can't Get Along).
Nagging Can Make You Lose Track Of Who You Are: Two People Who Love
Each Other And Struggle With An Ineffective Communication Habit. Think
About Changing Your Habit Before You Dream About Changing Your
Partner•

THIRD UP: TRUST•

If You Are The Nagger, You May Feel Uncared For If Your Spouse
Repeatedly Rejects Your Persistent Pleas. If You Are Nagged, You May
Correctly Think That Your Spouse Does Not Trust You To Be Responsible
In A Particular Area Or In Many Areas. When Nagging Becomes
Entrenched, You Each May Feel Like The Other Does Not Have Your Back.
Trust Erodes- Not Because Nagger And Nagged One Are Inherently Flawed-
But Because Each Is Persistently Trapped In An Ineffective
Communication Pattern. What If Nagger Clearly States What He/She Wants
And Explains Why, And Nagged One Honestly States His/Her Intention And
When He/She Will Comply? Each May Need To Compromise A Little, But
Trust Will Begin Grow. (And They Can Throw Away Their Nagging Labels)•

So Maybe Nagging Can't Bring Home An Avalanche Like Cheating Can. But
If It Persist Unabated In Your Relationship, It Can Become An
Off-The-Radar Marriage Killer. Perhaps It's Time To Take Another Look
At This Communication Pattern In Our Relationships•

Have You Been In A Relationship Where Nagging Was A Real Issue?