Nagging As Annoying, But Pretty Benign And Harmless. And Some Of Us
Feel Like We'll Never Get What We Want Unless We Ask For It In 50
Million Ways. Yet Almost A Year Ago, A Wall Street Journal Columnist,
Elizabeth Bernstein, Made The Provocative Claim That Nagging Is A
"Marriage Killer... More Common Than Adultery And Potentially As
Toxic."
A Little Science Supports That Provocative Claim. Howard J. Markman,
Professor Of Psychology At The University Of Denver And The
Co-Director Of The Center For Marital And Family Studies, Spent 30
Years Studying Conflict Patterns And Divorce. His Team Found That
Negative Conflict Patterns, Consistent With Nagging, Attack Love And
Jack Up The Risk Of Unhappiness And Potential Divorce. Markman Knows
Something We All Know: Nagging Is Common. And Therein Lies Its
Inherent Danger. Your Relationship Is Like A House In A Falling Rock
Zone: Nagging Frequently Causes Rocks To Roll Onto Your House And Chip
Away Love, While Cheating Triggers An Avalanche. You Stay On The
Lookout For Avalanches, But May Be Unaware Of The Long-Term Damage
Done By The Frequent Falling Rock•
So While Nagging May Actually Not Be Worse For Our Marriages Than
Cheating (Falling Rocks Versus Avalanche), Maybe We Need To Recognize
It As A Genuine Detriment To Relationships. I Can Think Of Three
Important Ways That Persistent Nagging Can Erode A Relationship's
Foundation•
FIRST UP: COMMUNICATION•
Let's Explore A Scenario: The Nagger Gets Really Nervous Whenever
Nagged One Drives On Long Vacations. He's More Aggressive Behind The
Wheel And That Triggers Her Anxiety. So She Reminds Him Of The Speed
Limit Every Five Minutes, And Uses Hand And Foot Signals To Encourage
Him To Slow Down. With Each Hour, Nagger's Voice, Hand, And Foot
Signals Become More Emphatic, And Nagged One Becomes Less Attentive Or
Maybe Explodes In Irritation. Neither Spouse Feels Understood, And
Most Likely Neither Understands The Other. Nagging Hijacks Empathic
Communication•
SECOND UP: CONNECTION•
When Was The Last Time You Wanted To Cuddle Up With Your Spouse After
Being Nagged- Or After Nagging? Usually The More One Nags, The Faster
And Farther The Other Runs... Literally Or Figuratively. If You Nag
Your Wife About Something On The Way To A Nice Restaurant, An Evening
Out May Lose Its Sparkle Before Drinks Are Served. If The Two Of You
Are Trapped In A Nagging Cycle, You May Confuse Your Struggle
(Nagging) With Your Identities (Two People Who Can't Get Along).
Nagging Can Make You Lose Track Of Who You Are: Two People Who Love
Each Other And Struggle With An Ineffective Communication Habit. Think
About Changing Your Habit Before You Dream About Changing Your
Partner•
THIRD UP: TRUST•
If You Are The Nagger, You May Feel Uncared For If Your Spouse
Repeatedly Rejects Your Persistent Pleas. If You Are Nagged, You May
Correctly Think That Your Spouse Does Not Trust You To Be Responsible
In A Particular Area Or In Many Areas. When Nagging Becomes
Entrenched, You Each May Feel Like The Other Does Not Have Your Back.
Trust Erodes- Not Because Nagger And Nagged One Are Inherently Flawed-
But Because Each Is Persistently Trapped In An Ineffective
Communication Pattern. What If Nagger Clearly States What He/She Wants
And Explains Why, And Nagged One Honestly States His/Her Intention And
When He/She Will Comply? Each May Need To Compromise A Little, But
Trust Will Begin Grow. (And They Can Throw Away Their Nagging Labels)•
So Maybe Nagging Can't Bring Home An Avalanche Like Cheating Can. But
If It Persist Unabated In Your Relationship, It Can Become An
Off-The-Radar Marriage Killer. Perhaps It's Time To Take Another Look
At This Communication Pattern In Our Relationships•
Have You Been In A Relationship Where Nagging Was A Real Issue?
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