CAN RELATIONSHIPS BECOME TOO COMFORTABLE???

<@>Greatmindz<@>™
When You Are First Dating, You Are On Your Best Behaviour. Bad Habits
Are Hidden. You Usually Try To Look Your Best, Act Your Best, Talk
Your Best, And Be Your Best At All Times! You Are Attentive. You Go
Out Of Your Way To Do Small Things For Each Other. And You Certainly
Hide Your "Bad Habits"- Those Things That Your Mum Thought You To
NEVER Do In Public! When You Are First Dating, Your Manners Are
Impeccable. You Wouldn't Dream Of Belching Or Farting In Front Of Each
Other. That Would Be Horribly Embarrassing! You Never Answer Your
iPhone At The Dinner Table. How Rude! You Never Keep Each Other
Waiting. How Disrespectful!
As Your Relationship Progresses, However, You Start To Become More
Comfortable With Each Other, And That, I Argue, Can Be Simultaneously
A Very Good Thing, And A Very Bad Thing. I Love When The Formality
Disappears And The Comfort Level Around Each Other Increases. It
Transitions Relationships To A New Level. But, Can Relationships
Become Too Comfortable? Should Relationships Hang On To Some Of That
Formality, That Level Of Trying To "Impress" Each Other, That Ability
To Always Be On Your Best Behaviour, In Order To Be MOst Successful?

Its Good To Be Yourself Around Your Partner, And Feel Free.
That Being Said, We Are Also Aware That When That Familiarity Turns
From One Of "Comfort And Ease" To One Of "Disregard And Disrespect"
That It's Time To Reassess. It Is When Relationships, Either Dating Or
Marriage, Start To Turn From Comfort To Complacency, That Many Couples
Start To Feel Disconneted, Unappreciated, And Undervalued•

It's A Fine Line! What Do You Think? Are You In That Phase Of
Formality And Best Behaviour? Are You Transitioning To Pleasantly
Comfortable? Or Are You Stuck In That Complacent "Whatever- I Really
Don't Care" Mode? Is It Time To Reassess Your Comfort Level To Ensure
You Haven't Gotten "Too" Comfortable?

IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP COSTING YOU TOO MUCH???

<@>Greatmindz<@>™
Have You Ever Blamed Yourself For Giving Too Much In A Relationship?
If You Have, You've Probably Felt Resentment For Not Getting Back What
You Feel Is Owed For All Your Effort. On Top Of That, If The Partner
You Gave So Much To Has Moved On To Someone Else, It Feels Like That
Other Person Is Now Getting The Benefits That Should Have Gone To You.

Thinking About How You Gave So Much Can Keep You Awake At Night, As
You Beat Yourself Up For Being So Foolish.

But A Better Use Of That Time Would Be To Ask Yourself Why You Let
Yourself Give So Much And Get So Little In Return? What Drove You To
Settle For Crumbs When You Were Feeding Him/Her The Whole Cake? The
Answer Is Simple. You Were In A "Pay As You Go" Relationship.

How Does That Happen? Most Likely Things Started Out Strong And It
Seemed Like He/She Really Cared. But Most Relationships (Unless You're
With "The One") Start To Fizzle And Burn Out And That's When You
Panic. You Start To Feel That It's Up To You To Get That "Loving
Feeling" Back•

You Might Suspect That This Isn't My Mr/Miss Right, But The Fear Of
Being Alone Or Starting Over Again Drives You To Try And Make It Work.
You Get The Crazy Idea That If You Show Him/Her Much Love And How Good
You Can Be, They'll Naturally Respond Back To You In Kind. But It
Doesn't Work That Way; In Fact It's The Opposite•

So How Do You Show Them How You Feel? You Start "To Pay" For Love. For
Example: As A Woman You Do Laundry, Clean The House, Shop And Cook.
And As A Guy You Buy Presents And Treats, Give Money, Or Generally Go
Out Of Your Way To Tend To Their Needs. None Of These Actions Are
Wrong, But It's The Intention Behind Them That Counts. You Put Effort,
Time AnD Money Into Getting Your Partner's Interest Back But You Are
Killing Yourself In The Process. You Pay And Pay And Get Little To
Nothing In Return•

In A Healthy Relationship, Both Partners Have To Give Their All. They
Have To Be 100% Invested. If You're "Paying As You Go" You've Tipped
The Scales And Not In Your Favour. So Ask Yourself If You're Feeling
Resentful That You're "Owed" Something In Your Relationship. If You
Are, It's A Good Indication That The Feelings Between The Two Of You
Are No Longer Mutual. If You Keep "Paying" That Feeling Is Just Going
To Get Stronger And Things Will Get Worse. It's A Signal To Stop
Giving And Pull Back•

If Stopping Causes Him/Her To Step Up And Start Giving Back, The
Balance Is Restored. But If Nothing Changes, It Means You're Still In
A "Pay As You Go" Relationship. It's A Sign That What You Had Is No
More And It's Probably Time To Walk Away•

Have You Been In This Situation? If So, How Did It Work Out?

THE THREE LOVE RELATIONSHIP STAGES

<@>Greatmindz<@>™
In Explaining The Different Stages Of Romantic Relationships. My
Takeaway: Don't Make Any Lifelong Decisions (Like Marriage!) Until You
Get To Stage Two. We Have All Been Exposed Over And OverTo Romantic
Stories From Movies And Television, And The Story Ends When The
Romantic Partners Finally Get Together And Live Happily Ever After. In
Actuality, This Is When The Real Relationship Story Begins. There Are
Several Stages That Relationships Go Through Over Time, But Most Of Us
Want The Happily Ever After- And Believe Our Relationship Should Be
Easy. This Is A Myth. Satisfying, Mature, Relationships Happen When
Both People Work Hard To Maintain A Sense Of Safety With Each Other•
There Are Few Stages In Love Relationships. These Stages Will Help You
Identify Where You Are In The Development Of Your Own Relationship.
All Three Involve Very Different Emotional States, So They Require An
Adjustment With Each Transition•
THE 3 LOVE RELATIONSHIP STAGES:
1• ROMANTIC LOVE:
You Are Driven In This Stage To Idealize Your Potential Partner. You
Experience The Emotions Of Joy And Excitement. The Novelty Of A New
Love Leads You To Think About Your Partner Day And Night, Imagining
All The Possibilities Of How This Person Can Fulfill Your Deepest
Desires. You Want To Spend Every Moment Of Every Day With Your Partner
In The Bliss Of Newly Discovered LOVE•
Here, You Should Remember The Saying, "if It's Too Good To Be True It
Usually Is." There's A Reason For This Adage. In This Stage Of
Romance, Your Brain Is Not Able To Access And Incorporate Red FlagS,
Or Flaws In Your Potential Partner. You Only See Their Potential And
How You Feel When You Are With Them. Your Brain Is Literally Addicted
To The Feeling Of Being In LOVE. In This Stage, You Biologically Lose
Your Brain's Prefrontal Lobes' (The Thinking And Logical Part Of The
Brain) Ability To Reason.
Romantic LOVE Is The Fodder Of Hollywood Movies And Stories. Romantic
Love Sells, And We Can't Get Enough Of It. But Media Representations
Of These Stories Give A False Sense Of What A Relationship Should Look
Like, And Set Us Up For Disappointment In Real Relationships•
2• REALISTIC LOVE:
As A Counselor, I Hear The Same Story Over And Over, "Our Relationship
Is Not Easy Or Fun Anymore." This Is The Beginning Of The Second Stage
Of LOVE Relationships, Which Is Realistic LOVE. It Is Most Often In
This Stage That People Get Stuck. Idealization Of Your Partner
Diminishes And You Begin To See Who Your Partner Really Is- And They
Begin To See You. All Your Flaws Are Exposed To Each Other And It Is
Here When Couples Start Really Being Challenged In The Relationship•
It Is In This Stage Where Couples Either Make It Or Break It. The Time
Frame For This Stage Varies Wildly. Some Relationships Are Ditched
Immediately, Others Endure Bickering And Unmet Needs For Many Years.
If You Only Believe In Romantic Love, Your Bubble Will Undoubtedly Be
Burst In This Stage. You Will Begin To Feel Cheated, Or That You
"Settled" For A Partner Who Is Not The Person You Fell In Love With.
You Will Begin To Feel Resentful, And Resort To Blaming Your Partner
For Your Unmet Needs. Thus Starts A Cycle Of Blaming, Hurt And
Despair. If You Feel This Is You, Contact A Marriage Counselor Sooner
Rather Than Later•
In My Experience, Couples Wait Too Long To Seek Counseling. They Live
For Years With Blame, Resentment And Hurt Before They Seek Help.
Sometimes One Partner Is Doing All The Work To Keep The Relationship
Together And Ultimately This Strategy Results In Feeling Depleted And
Frustrated. Eventually The Depleted Partner Will Decide They Are
Totally Done, And Their Partner Will Be Surprised When The
Relationship Ends. Some Partners Will Step Up To The Plate And Begin
Giving To The Relationship When They Realize They Can No Longer Just
Take From It•
There Is A Healthy Way To Transition Through This Stage Of Realistic
Love Relationship And Move To A More Mutually Safe And Secure
Functioning. I Encourage Any Couple That Recognizes They Are Living
With Negative Patterns Of Behaviour To Get Help With Their
Relationship. This Help Will Involve Learning About Yourself And Your
Partner At A Fundamentally Deeper Level. Find Out What Your Unmet
Needs Are, And Work To Feed Your Partner's Unmet Needs Too•

3• MATURE LOVE:

This Stage Is Marked By Safety And Security In The Relationship. Both
People Feel Fulfilled And Cared For By The Other Person. Isn't That
What You Want And Desire? The Only Way To Obtain Mature Love Is To
Work Through The Previous Stages: There Are No Shortcuts. In This
Stage You And Your Partner Know Each Other At A Deep And Intrinsic
Level. You Know Your Own Desires And Wounds, And You Choose To Accept
Your Partner's Desires And Wounds In Turn. In Other Words, You Have
Each Other's Backs- For Better Or Worse•

Every One Is Human And Makes Mistakes. Each Stage Of Love Is Wrought
With Mistakes; The Important Thing Is That The Two Of You Commit To
Working Through The Mistakes And Build Safety Together. In This Stage
Love Is An Action And A Feeling Word. No Longer Worried About Losing
The Relationship, You Can Experience This Type Of Love As Safe,
Satisfying And Passionate•

THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE OUT THERE TO LOVE US•••

<@>Greatmindz<@>™

"The Love Of God Is Like The Ocean, You Can See Its Beginnings, But
You Cannot Imagine Its Width And Depth. God Loves You Immensely In A
Way You Can Never Imagine•"

One Reality That We Must All Come To Accept In Life, Even In Times
That We Feel Completely Alone Is That There To Love Us. We Will Always
Have The Unconditional Love Of God Whether We Accept It Or Not, And
There Is Usually Always Going To Be Love In Our Lives From Our Peers
And Families As Well, As Long As We Are Willing To Accept That Just
Because Some May Love Us In A Certain Way, Maybe A Way That Leaves Us
Desiring More, But Still Loves Us In Their Own Way.

Going Through Life, Thinking About Things In This Manner, As In
Doubting If Everyone Loves You In The Same Ways That You Love Them,
Doesn't Do Anything But Bring Negative And Destructive Forces To Your
Life. When You Find Yourself Wondering About If People Really Love And
Care For You Like They May Imply That They Do, Remember To Just Be
Grateful To Have People In Your Life That Even Consider Loving You,
Because Not Everybody Does.

ACCEPT ME AS I AM

<@>Greatmindz<@>™
I Spoke With Someone The Other Day Who Was Gushing About How Serious
She Is Getting With Her Boyfriend. She Thinks He Is "The One!" She
Pulled Out Her iphone To Show Me A Photo Of Him. Then, Instead Of
Showing Me A Photo Of A Face, She Shoved The Phone In Front Of Me And
Demanded, "Can You Believe This? "Believe What?" I Responded. I Was
Confused. All I Saw In The Photo Was A Pair Of Shoes-Not The Handsome
Face I Expected To See!
"Do You See These Shoes? Do You Like Them? He Cannot Wear These
Shoes," She Fired Off In Rapid Succession. "These Are Shoes You Only
Wear With Skinny Jeans. He Wore Them With Regular Jeans And It's
Wrong. He Can't DO That Again."
Whoa! Slow Down! How Did We Get From He's "The One" To He Can't Wear
These" In Just One Brief Conversation? For A Brief Moment, I Thought
She Was Joking. But, She Was Dead Serious.
I Asked Her If He Treated Her Well? Yes! Was He Kind? Yes! Was He
Respectful? Yes! Did He Treat His Family And Friends Well? Yes! Did He
Care For His Community? Yes! Did He Allow Her To Be Herself? Yes!
"So," I Asked, "If He Is All That (And Presumably More), Then Why In
The World Does It Matter If He Wears Those Shoes?" "It Doesn't Matter
If He Wears Those Shoes," She Said, Exasperated, "Its Just That He Can
Only Wear Them With Skinny Jeans."
Oh Boy. She Is In For A World Of Stress (And Perhaps Even Heartbreak)
If She Is Going To Let The Kind Of Shoes He Wears Become Such An Issue
For Her. Clearly, She Is A Bit Of A Control Freak (You Think?), And
There Was An Element Of, "I Can Change Certain Things About Him, And
Then He Will Be Perfect." Both Are Dangerous Spots To Be In!
On The "Control Freak" Side... Let It Go. Pick Your Battles.
Seriously, If His Biggest Flaw Is That He Wears The Wrong ShoeS With
The Wrong Pants, Then Be Happy. Sure, You Can Gently Suggest The
"Right" Style And See If He "Gets It" It Might Even Be FUN To Take Him
Shopping For The "Right" Skinny Jeans, But Don't Let Your Blood
Pressure Shoot Through The Roof When He Wears The Wrong Combination.
Call Him Cute, Call Him Goofy, And Love Him For It! Embrace It; Don't
Fight It!
On The "I Can Change Him" Side... No, You Can't! You May Think You
Can, But Ultimately You Can't And You Will Hurt Yourself (And
Potientially Your Relationship) Trying. You Can Make Suggestions. You
Can Try To Influence. But You Can't Change Him. Only He Can Choose To
Change. Too Many People Get Into Relationships And Find Little Things
That They Would Like To Change About Their Partners. They Think, "This
Is Cute," Or "This Isn't That Big Of A Deal," And "I Can Change This,"
And They Move Forward. But, At Some Point, Cute Becomes Annoying, And
What Wasn't A Big Deal Becomes A Monster Issue, And Nobody Has
Changed, And Now Refuses To Change... And It Becomes A Deal Breaker.
I Know It's Easier Said Than Done, But Worry About Yourself, And What
You Can Control, As Opposed To Trying To Control Someone Else. Focus
On What You Would Like To Change, Or Should Change About Yourself, As
Opposed To Trying To Change Someone Else.

I Told This Woman: He Is Who He Is And He's An Entire Package. You
Either Like Him Or You Don't. You Either Accept Him As He Is, Or You
Don't. Sure, You Might Try To Tweak A Little Thing Here Or There, But
Be Sure Those Things You "Tweak" Are Relatively Inconsequential To You
In The Big Scheme Of Things. If They Make Your Blood Pressure
Skyrocket, And Become Monstrous Issues In The Relationship, It Might
Be Time To Rethink The Urge To Control And The Desire To Change•

What Do You Think? Did You Have A "Wrong Shoes/Wrong Jeans" Issue In A
Relationship? What Happened? How Did You "Fix" It?